On June 19, 2018, I received a phone call that I will never forget. “Your biopsy came back positive. You have breast cancer.” I was in complete shock. One of my worst fears was being realized. The weeks that followed were a blur of appointments: nurse navigator, surgeon, oncologist, ultrasounds, biopsies, and scans. So much uncertainty. I felt completely out of control. And for a control freak like me that wants everything planned out, that was the worst feeling of my life. I was definitely the weakest I have ever been. The Bible verse that spoke to me the most was 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10.
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
I remember closing myself in my closet, getting down on my knees, and crying out to God, “Please Lord give me strength. I cannot do this on my own.” And He answered my prayer. He gave me a peace that transcends all understanding. He took away my fears. About a month after my diagnosis, I finally had a treatment plan in place. I went through 16 rounds of chemo (July – Nov 2018), 15 radiation treatments (Jan 2019), a single mastectomy with lymph node removal and reconstruction (Feb 2019), and another reconstructive surgery (June 2019). None of the treatments were fun, but they were so much easier than I had imagined. I did not think much about what was ahead, I just focused on the next step, and showed up when they told me to.
So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
There were times people would ask me how I felt about whatever the next big step was. I would just reply, “I haven’t really thought about it much.”
Some people may think, how could a good God allow one of His children to go through cancer. My response would be that I experienced the love of God more while I was going through cancer treatment than any other time of my life. I had a joy that was not based on my circumstances. I had a peace that I could not explain. I was actually less afraid and less anxious than I was when I was perfectly healthy. There is an old hymn that says, “’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, Just to take Him at His Word, Just to rest upon His promise, Just to know, “Thus saith the Lord!”” This has new meaning to me now. I can truly say that it is SO SWEET TO TRUST IN JESUS! I could also see God’s hand in the timing of everything. Several months before I was diagnosed, we had scheduled a family trip to Disney World. The tickets were purchased and the trip could not be postponed. The trip fell in the middle of my chemo treatments, the week after my 12th Taxol treatment and the week before my first AC (Adriamycin and Cytoxan) treatment. I felt good throughout my Taxol treatments. Not only was I able to still go to Disney World, I felt great walking 7+ miles a day for 4 days straight. AC chemo is the stronger of the two types. While it was manageable, it made me pretty weak. If the Disney trip had been one week later, I would not have made it around Disney World. Also, I had a break between chemo and radiation that fell in December, one of the busiest times of year. And I had a break between radiation and surgery that fell during both of my kids’ birthdays.
One concern I had before starting treatment was what am I going to do with my kids while I have all these appointments. I had many friends offer to watch my kids, but I never once had to take them up on their offers because most appointments happened when the kids were at school, and when they weren’t at school, I had family able to watch them. I am so grateful to have parents and in-laws that are available and more than willing to help us at any given time. My husband was able to come with me to all but one of my chemo treatments. He missed one because his flight home from a business trip was cancelled. But my parents were already at my house and were able to fill in for him.
So as I reflect back over my cancer journey, I am praising God that I am now cancer free, but I am also thanking Him for the experience, for teaching me that He loves me, He is faithful, and He will never leave me nor forsake me. He has healed me of my fear and strengthened my faith. Cancer is not good. But God is good. All the time.